How did I get here?
I guess when you're faced with adversity, you have no other choice than to be brave. And when your world kicks you on your ass with a 3-month-old baby at home, a mountain of debt and a husband with a business degree who was never able to find full-time employment in a crappy economy, you dig deep to find some guts ... and some hope.
My journey is by no means complete. There's still a lot left up in the air. However, I can take a break and a breather for the time being. For that, I'm very thankful. So how did I get here? Let's reminisce.
For most of February, I felt ahhh-maaa-zing! I was free! I had eight weeks worth of severance pay in my pocket and a bonus check and unemployment income coming. I could do anything I wanted. I had a couple interviews. The future was up to me. While that's an absolutely rare and wonderful feeling to have, it can be overwhelming.
By March, I had narrowed down my future: freelance writing! And thanks to a friend and former co-worker, I had lined up some pretty steady, well-paying part-time work. Maybe I was chasing dreams.
I try not to remember April because we had to write a $1,800 check to the IRS.
May was emotionally hard. The bank account was running dry (remember that check I mentioned above?). I received a letter that said I needed to pay back all of the unemployment I had received. I was still paying for Emerson's wonderful arrival at Covenant Hospital. My freelance work wasn't as frequent as I had hoped. I started receiving rejection letters from jobs I had applied for months ago. I would relate to Dr. Suess as I read to my then 6-month-old son ... "You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump." Ugh, that's me!
And then came June where my luck took a turn for the better. I won my unemployment appeal. Another friend and past teammate pointed me toward a short-term contract position with a local staffing agency. I applied. I was offered the position. I accepted. I now get a pay check every week (a nice change from once a month!). I still freelance. Chasing dreams.
I'm back to work pretty much full time through the end of this year, working on a project and gaining experience I appreciate and love. Financial relief and a resume builder all in one. Woo, let's have a drink!
So that's the happenings of the past six months. Emerson is now 8 months old. It sounds like I wasn't up to much, really, but when you wake every morning (or early afternoon? eek!) with no real plan to the day, life can be very sad. I think I was depressed for a bit. I slept a lot, but didn't really sleep at all. I felt guilt. I thought a lot.
I thought about Emerson dying. Jordan dying. My parents dying. My dogs dying. Me dying. What if the house starts on fire? What if someone robs me with a gun? Should we sell our house? Should we rent it out? Let's just pack up the car and leave this town forever. Why do I suck? Why do I say the wrong things at the wrong time? Why can't I have a reality TV show? Should I cancel the satellite service? I should never cancel the satellite service because TV makes me happy. Why are my neighbors so weird? Where is that annoying music coming from? Why do I struggle with self esteem. What's the reason behind struggles with my personal relationships the past few years? Why am I an introvert? What color should I paint the stairs? Where do all these spiders come from? When should we have another baby? Do we want another baby? When will life get easier? When will I be living the life I've always dreamt about? Etc., etc. etc.
When you spend a lot of time by yourself (or with an adorable little boy who doesn't talk, just blows bubbles), you have too much time to think. It's dangerous, but then again I think it's how I was able to work through these lingering questions in my head that has brought me to where I am today. These are moments that define you.
So how have I evolved?
I guess I'm more comfortable with the unknown. I know what makes me happy. I've accepted death as a part of life, loss in general as a part of life. I'm more confident now than ever before. I've had six months to reflect on how my fear has held me back in life. I easily dismiss the "I can't" or "I'm not good enough" thoughts from my head. I've found comfort in how resourceful Jordan and I can be when we need to make some cash in a short amount of time (we made it through this without one blemish to our credit reports!). When the fridge quits cooling and the basement floods in the same day, I laugh. Life's a journey, I'm never going to be living the life I've always dreamt about because once I reach a dream, I dream for more. But I have learned how to appreciate the now, and that's the key to happiness, no matter your life circumstances.
In six months I've been able to teach myself more than I learned in 18.25 years of school. Though I've had my fair share of dark days since "doomsday," I still feel incredibly thankful that I was blessed with this opportunity. My doomsday was my chance at life. A better life.
And now my journey continues ...
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