360 degrees of emotion: my first interview post-downsizing

Last Friday morning I woke up before the sunrise for the first time in weeks. The house was quiet except for the humming of the furnace on a very cold February day. I opened my eyes, dreading getting out of bed, and looked to my right to admire my baby boy sleeping soundly in his bassinet, his eyelids fluttering.


I wondered what he might be dreaming about. I hadn't had much time for dreaming that night. By the time I put myself to bed, it was after 2 a.m. And even then, I couldn't sleep. The alarm screamed at 5:45. Snooze, snooze, snooooooooooooooze. Ahh, must ... get ... up.

I backed down my driveway, weary eyed, and drove down my snowy street to the stop sign. Instead of turning left like I did every workday for the past two years, I turned right. Instead of heading north, I traveled south.

It was my first interview since being downsized.

I cried.

I wasn't expecting to be so overcome with emotion. Things finally felt REAL. I should have been excited, but it wasn't the first thing I felt. Instead, I felt brokenhearted. I felt like I wasn't ready to date again. My heart still belonged to something else. I thought to myself, "I shouldn't have to be doing this."

I had 80 minutes to digest all of this. Then I had to put on my brave face. It was game time.

I'm not sure if I hit a home run, but I feel like I played well enough to win. And if it doesn't turn out to be a win in the form of a job offer, it was still a win for me.

They say when you break up with someone, you need a rebound to get over the relationship. In this case, my first interview was my rebound. Now I'm ready! I want to put myself out there, take a chance. Illustrate what I'm capable of. Convince someone that I'm worth it. I'm totally worth it. I know it in my guts. And when I let negative thoughts creep in, I quickly shoo them away. I'm getting better at this everyday.

On the drive home, I felt refreshed. The sun was shining. I was shining. I called my husband. I called my mom. I called my dad. I called my old work BFF. I felt optimistic. I felt ... relieved. I hadn't realized the anxiety that the anticipation of this first interview had given me. I took myself out to lunch. I had a drink.

I did it. Like I've said time and time again, life goes on. It doesn't always look the same from one day to the next, but it moves forward. I know I'm living a big life lesson right now, and one day I will look back and be so grateful for how this experience changed me.

So now I wait for my phone to ring, for an email to come. If I get rejected, I know I'll be bummed, but it won't destroy me because I have faith that everything will fall into place. It has to. It always has.

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